Healthy Divorce

Protecting Your Children During Your Divorce

Amy Wood, Psy.D. Healthy Divorce, Parenting After Divorce, Parenting During Divorce, Thinking of Divorce

Of all the issues a person faces during a divorce, the most important and sometimes overlooked is how the children will be affected by the process. Children often need extra attention before and during a divorce. With these basic guidelines, your children can successfully survive your divorce.

Draft a Child Agreement. This is a plan between you and your co-parent for how you will treat your children during and after your divorce. This Agreement simply reflects your intent and serves as a guide in troubled times. It can be a beacon of reasonableness in the heat of your divorce and after the divorce is final. For example, your Agreement might include the following:

  • You will not engage in conflict in front of or within earshot of your children.
  • You will not disparage your co-parent in the presence of or within earshot of your children.
  • You will always treat your co-parent with respect (even if you think it’s not warranted).
  • You will not attempt to turn your children against your co-parent.
  • You will listen and provide physical and emotional support to your children.

Talk with your children. When getting ready to tell your children that you are getting divorced, try to implement the following:

  • Speak to your children with your co-parent; they need to hear the information from both of you — together.
  • Generalize rather than blame — share only the facts. Let your children know that divorce is the adults’ choice and it was a decision that both parents arrived at together.
  • Let your children know your plans — communicate which parent (if either) is moving out, what the visitation schedule will be, how their lives will be affected, etc.
  • Keep your children updated — there is no need to share divorce documents or details with your children but let them know if/when you will be going to mediation and when the divorce will be finalized.
  • Keep talking — even when the divorce is final, your children will still need information and attention. Be cautious, do not overshare. Your children just want to know that they are loved and will continue to be supported.

Consider providing counseling for your children. Children often benefit by having someone other than a family member to speak to about their situation. More often than not this is a preventative step and establishes a relationship for the child with a trusted adult should an issue arise in the future.

Help your children become resilient. Resilience is the ability to recover from change, difficulties, misfortune and adversity. You can help your children develop resilience and guide them toward a successful adulthood by making sure they have the following:

  • Your unconditional love
  • Parents who are willing to be parents and who will reach out for help from others
  • The freedom to just be kids — time and space to play, jump, make mistakes, etc. Your children must be free to meet the challenges of childhood and gain a sense of control over their future.
  • Permission to grieve and express their emotions.
  • Rules and boundaries — let your children know what is expected of them. Be consistent and predictable.
  • Both parents — children need both parents. You might have to structure visitation for their safety, but don’t make them choose between parents.

A Collaborative Coach can assist parents before, during and after the divorce to accomplish the above points and help their children survive and thrive.

About the Contributor | Katelyn Baxter-Musser, LCSW received her MSW from Arizona State University and her BA in psychology with a Minor in criminal justice from American University in Washington D.C. Katelyn has been in private practice in Maine since 2015 and prior to that lived in Arizona where she maintained her private practice and was a supervisor for a local mental health agency. Katelyn is a Certified Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Therapist and has extensive training in working with individuals, couples, and families who have experienced trauma. Katelyn was trained in Collaborative Law in 2017 and practices both collaborative law coaching and mediation. Katelyn takes a solution-focused approach to help clients identify their needs, find their voice, and develop communication skills to use long after divorce has ended.

 

Beyond Money: The Importance of Relationship in a Collaborative Divorce

Amy Wood, Psy.D. Healthy Divorce

Most of the time when I am involved in a collaborative divorce case, the clients and attorneys see my work solely as analyzing and dividing assets. In fact, all of the parties in the divorce — the clients, the attorneys, the coach and the financial neutral — are stewards of the relationship, and our actions may have a direct result on that relationship.

As we navigate the various legal, financial and, most importantly, emotional details of the divorce, I think it is imperative to remember that the divorcing couple has committed to giving their very best as they end their marriage. Often, as financial concerns arise — almost always based in a fear of the unsettled future the parties face — the money issue becomes emotionally charged. This is understandable of course, and the emotions need to be addressed so that the facts of the asset division or support issues can be discussed. Keeping the relationship in the forefront even as the parties are working to end the marriage allows the process to move forward as quickly and easily as possible.

I encourage the divorcing couple to think about “teasing apart” the relationship; actively working to separate the assets, things and emotions that have naturally, over time, become intertwined. Central to the collaborative process is the ability to see the other side’s point of view, to have empathy for the reality they envision, and to manage the communication in a way that demonstrates that empathy. If we can do that and keep the focus on how the communication occurs, we will have successful outcomes in the collaborative process.

JAL photo 2 05292012About the Contributor | John LeMieux, principal and cofounder of Anton LeMieux Financial Group, has been guiding clients through the complex world of financial planning and investing since 1993. He left Merrill Lynch in 2009 with his partner Eric Anton to start the group with the specific vision that their clients would be better served in a more holistic practice focused directly on client needs and advocacy. John’s experiences as an entrepreneur, a financial planner, and investment advisor, as well as a college basketball coach, have combined to give him insight into the needs of the individuals, families, family-owned businesses, and nonprofit organizations that he serves.

He is a Certified Financial PlannerTM professional, a Certified Investment Management AnalystTM and a Certified Divorce Financial AnalystTM; but it is his willingness to address the emotional side of his clients’ financial lives that distinguishes him. John believes that to assist clients with complex financial decision making he must address the multifaceted realities of life that underscores the financial facts. In the process of working to address these realities, alongside the specific goals of each client, he endeavors to add value and build a vision for their personal financial needs. It is his view that each client has their own needs and wants in life and that a unique financial plan is needed to adequately address each client’s situation.

John is a founding member of the Maine Collaborative Law Alliance and as a financial neutral has played a lead role in the development of collaborative divorce in Maine.

 

Six Benefits of Collaborative Divorce

Amy Wood, Psy.D. Healthy Divorce, Thinking of Divorce, What is Collaborative Divorce

Improves communications: In a Collaborative Divorce, the parties have the opportunity to practice communications in a safe environment. Usually, the trained Collaborative attorneys can keep a conversation under control and prevent the kind of explosive anger that can occur outside the Collaborative setting. As meetings progress, the parties learn how to communicate and listen better. By the end, the parties are often communicating more effectively than they have in years.

Sets a good example for children: Children of all ages have some idea of what their parents are going through. The young sense the tension in the environment, and the older children may know the details of particular issues in dispute. Many have heard horror stories from friends’ parents’ divorces. Younger children of Collaborative Divorce will understand that their parents had a “friendly” divorce, while the older children may know that their parents used a different forum to resolve difficult issues with open and respectful dialogue rather than fighting and court battles. The lessons of collaboration help children of all ages to resolve conflicts in their own lives.

Creative solutions unavailable through traditional litigation: In the context of the Collaborative meetings, parties and their attorneys have the opportunity to learn about each other’s needs and wants directly. This face-to-face interaction invites exploration that can get behind a party’s position. For example, a spouse’s insistence that they “get the house” can lead to a discussion about the reason the spouse has taken that position. If it’s because the house is in a nice neighborhood near good schools, an alternative might be suggested, such as finding a smaller home in an equally nice neighborhood near another good school. Understanding motives can be a great way to find solutions.

Communications unfiltered by attorneys: At a Collaborative meeting, hearing something directly from the horse’s mouth is much more convincing than hearing it from the horse’s lawyer. In addition, direct communication reduces bluffing, replacing negotiating positions and use of scare tactics with honest and productive brainstorming and problem solving.

Master of your destiny: Working collaboratively with your spouse, you control the outcome. In a Collaborative Divorce, the parties are more likely to achieve a solution that is tailored to the parties’ unique circumstances. By playing a more active role in arriving at solutions, the parties have ownership of the outcome. The more ownership and control the parties have over the final settlement agreement, the less likely it is that they will be back to court for violation, contempt, and modification.

No winning or losing: If you’re the type of person who needs to win, Collaborative Divorce may not be for you. Rarely will the parties to a Collaborative Divorce come away feeling as if they’ve won or lost. Participants are more likely to leave the process feeling relieved that they were able to reach a fair agreement that will leave each of them secure in their future. If you don’t have the need to win, and you don’t mind if your spouse doesn’t lose, then Collaborative Divorce may be for you.

About the Contributor | Steven Mogul is a partner with the Bangor law firm Gross, Minsky & Mogul, P.A. His practice consists primarily of representing injured individuals and parties involved in divorce and parental rights matters. Steven has been engaged in Collaborative Divorce since 2011 and has enjoyed the benefits it brings to him and his clients. In addition to his legal practice, Steven currently serves as Vice President of the Bangor Symphony Orchestra and as second Vice President of the Maine Lakes Society. GrossMinsky.com

From Therapist to Coach and Why I Support Collaborative Divorce

Amy Wood, Psy.D. Healthy Divorce, Thinking of Divorce, What is Collaborative Divorce

Maine Collaborative Law Alliance - helping you cope with divorce in MaineYelling, screaming, agonizing, ugly…just some of the words that come to mind when people think about moving forward with a divorce.

But what if I told you instead that the words to describe divorce could be: mutual, working together, respect?

You might think I am crazy but divorce described this way is possible with Collaborative Divorce.

I know as a therapist that divorce is going to be emotionally challenging, but what I also know, as a coach, is that divorce doesn’t have to be hurtful. Collaborative Divorce offers clients the ability to come together in a mutually respectful way and find solutions that work for their family.

One of the best things about Collaborative Divorce is that it is not just a standard cookie cutter approach; it is truly two people working together — not to give each other one more jab, but rather to reach a customized outcome that mutually supports them both.

Acknowledging difficult feelings and discovering what is important — not just to you but also to your soon-to-be ex-spouse — can be hard but also healing. Collaborative Divorce offers the space to leave your current relationship while maintaining dignity and feeling empowered. It offers couples the space to come to mutual agreements regarding all aspects of their ending marriage.

I refer people to the Collaborative Approach because it works. Going to court works too but when was the last time you met a person who left court feeling good about it?

Probably almost never.

Will Collaborative Divorce make you friends with your soon-to-be ex? Maybe not.

Will it leave you feeling worn out and exhausted and angry? No.

Is it my preferred method for clients seeking divorce? Most definitely yes.

About the Contributor | Katelyn Baxter-Musser, LCSW received her MSW from Arizona State University and her BA in psychology with a Minor in criminal justice from American University in Washington D.C. Katelyn has been in private practice in Maine since 2015 and prior to that lived in Arizona where she maintained her private practice and was a supervisor for a local mental health agency. Katelyn is a Certified Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Therapist and has extensive training in working with individuals, couples, and families who have experienced trauma. Katelyn was trained in Collaborative Law in 2017 and practices both collaborative law coaching and mediation. Katelyn takes a solution-focused approach to help clients identify their needs, find their voice, and develop communication skills to use long after divorce has ended.